Opinion

OP-ED: Parenting From Prison

Published

11 years ago

March 11, 2015

By Troy Williams

Parenting from prison is not easy, but it must be done.

Tens of thousands of incarcerated men and women throughout the United States have come to realize secondary consequences of participating in crime. As a result of our actions, our children are left with the stigma of having their parent labeled a criminal and taken away for what seems like forever.

And while there are some ways to mitigate some of the damage, it is almost impossible to escape the consequences that incarceration will have on our relationship with our children.

The first three years of my incarceration, my eldest child had no less than 25 different addresses, and we struggled to keep in contact.

I was very open and honest about my mistakes, and she was very open and honest about her challenges. She told me everything, from her daily frustrations to her first boyfriend. Our bond was unbreakable.

Year after year, my children would ask, “Daddy, when are you coming home?”

Unfortunately, when serving a life sentence you don’t have answers to questions like this. After a while they stopped asking, and at one point began to question whether I was ever going to tell them.

On one hand, it was hard for them to grasp the truth of their daddy/hero not having an answer to what seemed like such a simple question.

On the other hand, their adolescent minds did not understand the complexity of the answer: “I don’t know. It depends. I have to go to the Board of Prison Hearings. If they find me suitable, the governor will have to review, and then…”

As the years went by, a sense of mistrust began to grow and a subtle disconnect slowly began to wedge between our once impenetrable bond. No matter how many letters I wrote, no matter how much I said I love you, I simply wasn’t there and I couldn’t tell them when I would be there.

I watched helplessly as my absence affected them in different ways. Like mollusk, they each put on different shells in order to protect the soft interior of their hearts. Their questions about when I was coming home turned to, “Why won’t they let you out?”

In part, they were frustrated by their perceived injustice of the system and in part, they questioned my responsibility.

Like Richard Johnson, I realized that incarceration “can never be an excuse not to do your upmost to help raise your offspring as best as possible under seemingly impossible conditions.”

I wrote letters even when none were returned. I sent birthday cards, Christmas cards, Valentine’s Day cards, and apologized a thousand times.

I wanted to prevent them from developing abandonment issues. But even with all that, the truth is I wasn’t there. I know I could have and should have done more. So, I called my daughter and asked.

Her response, “That’s a good question. The only thing I can think of is – maybe you should have never gotten locked up in the first place.”

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Oakland Post: Week of November 5 – 11, 2025

The printed Weekly Edition of the Oakland Post: Week of November 5 – 11, 2025

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Essay: Intentional Self Care and Community Connections Can Improve Our Wellbeing

At the deepest and also most expansive level of reality, we are all part of the same being, our bodies made from the minerals of the earth, our spirits infused by the spiritual breath that animates the universe. Willingness to move more deeply into fear and pain is the first step toward moving into a larger consciousness. Willingness to move beyond the delusion of our separateness can show us new ways of working and living together.

Published

2 weeks ago

October 27, 2025

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Lorraine Bonner is a retired physician. She is also a sculptor who works in clay, exploring issues of trust, trustworthiness and exploitation, as well as visions of a better world.

By Dr. Lorraine Bonner, Special to California Black Media Partners

I went to a medical school that was steeped in the principles of classical Western medicine. However, I also learned mindfulness meditation during that time, which opened me to the multifaceted relationship between illnesses and the interconnecting environmental, mental and emotional realities that can impact an individual’s health.

Therefore, when I began to practice medicine, I also pursued training in hypnosis, relaxation techniques, meditation, and guided imagery, to bring a mind-body focus to my work in medical care and prevention.

The people I saw in my practice had a mix of problems, including high blood pressure, diabetes, and a variety of pain issues. I taught almost everyone relaxation breathing and made some general relaxation tapes. To anyone willing, I offered guided imagery.

“My work embraced an approach to wellness I call “Liberatory Health” — one that not only addresses the treatment and management of disease symptoms but also seeks to dismantle the conditions that make people sick in the first place.”

From my perspective, illness is only the outermost manifestation of our efforts to cope, often fueled by addictions such as sugar, tobacco, or alcohol, shackled by an individualistic cult belief that we have only ourselves to blame for our suffering.

To put these ideas into practical form, I would quote the immortal Mr. Rogers: “Find the helpers.” There are already people in every community working for liberation. Some of them are running for office, others are giving food to those who need it. Some are volunteering in schools, libraries or hospitals. Some are studying liberation movements, or are working in urban or community gardens, or learning to practice restorative and transformative justice, or creating liberation art, music, dance, theater or writing. Some are mentoring high schoolers or apprenticing young people in a trade. There are many places where compassionate humans are finding other humans and working together for a better world.

A more compassionate world is possible, one in which we will all enjoy better health. Creating it will make us healthier, too.

In community, we are strong. Recognizing denial and overcoming the fragmenting effects of spiritual disorder offer us a path to liberation and true health.

Good health and well-being are the collective rights of all people!

About the Author

Dr. Lorraine Bonner is a retired physician. She is also a sculptor who works in clay, exploring issues of trust, trustworthiness and exploitation, as well as visions of a better world.