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You Had Me at Hello: ‘It is important to yield, listen and understand your spouse’

THE BIRMINGHAM TIMES — “You Had Me at Hello’’ highlights married couples and the love that binds them.

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By Anita Debro

“You Had Me at Hello’’ highlights married couples and the love that binds them. If you would like to be considered for a future “Hello’’ column, or know someone who would, please send nominations to Erica Wright at ewright@birminghamtimes.com. Include the couple’s name, contact number(s) and what makes their love story unique.

A’KHI AND RAVEN KING

Live: Vestavia Hills

Married: April 28, 2018

Met: A’Khi and Raven met in 2006 at New Birth Family Church when they were both in the teen ministry. Raven said she was friends with A’Khi but nothing more. “We were just a group of teens who went bowling and skating together,” Raven recalled. “I had no interest in him then.” A’Khi felt differently, though. “I liked her.”  By the summer of 2012 the two had become best friends. “I had seen her with all of her boyfriends,” A’Khi said. Shortly after Raven broke up with a boyfriend the two began talking more and the idea of being in a relationship surfaced.  “I really prayed about it and him,” Raven said. “I started to see his love for God and I could see his heart.” Raven said she and A’Khi were very different — she was an extrovert and he was a quiet homebody.  A’Khi did not think that those differences should keep them from being together.  After more prayer, Raven decided to put her trust and faith in A’Khi.  Just as their relationship was getting started, A’Khi left for Tuskegee University.

First date: Because A’Khi was away at Tuskegee and Raven remained in Birmingham, it would be nearly two years after they began dating before the couple would actually go on a real date. “We mainly saw each other on Skype,” Raven said. In 2014 they finally went to Chili’s Restaurant in Trussville. “I had saved up just enough money to take her out,” A’khi recalled.

The proposal: A’Khi felt that the time was right in 2016 to ask for Raven’s hand in marriage.  He bought a ring and decided to propose after a movie date. “I had the ring in my pocket and as soon as the credits started rolling my heart was beating loudly,” he said. Raven said she went to the restroom after the movie was over and when she returned she could not find A’Khi and the rest of the family members who had come to the movie. Raven said she became frustrated when she could not find A’Khi and when she finally found him she was ready to fuss. A’Khi said he pretended to start an argument but then instead proposed. “My mouth just dropped open,” Raven said. She said “yes.” But a few months into their engagement the couple ended the relationship. “It was a bad break up,” Raven said. “We both thought we were done with each other.”

“I actually lost the engagement ring that I gave to her,” A’Khi said. “It was that bad.”

Take Two: A’Khi and Raven spent six months apart before reconciling. One of the things that sparked the reconciliation was a chance meeting between A’Khi and her father at church, Raven said. “They met and clicked immediately,” Raven said. “My father encouraged me to unblock him and to talk about what I was feeling.” Raven said that meeting and her father’s approval of A’Khi ultimately led them back together. On Christmas 2017 A’Khi, with a new engagement ring, proposed to Raven for the second time.

The wedding: The couple wed at the Trussville Civic Center. Raven remembers being nervous and shaking before her vows, but her nerves calmed after she walked down the aisle. “That day was amazing,” she said. “I was just very grateful.” A’Khi said he was not nervous, but instead excited about beginning their journey as a married couple.

Words of Wisdom: The couple said they have learned a great deal in nearly one year of marriage. “I have learned how to yield,” he said. “It is important to yield and to listen and try to understand (your spouse),” A’Khi said.

Raven said it is important for couples to be committed to continuing to learn about their spouse and to learn how to be a couple. “I don’t know everything and he doesn’t know everything, so we have to keep learning,” she said. “It is important for a couple to continue to learn each other and learn how to be a healthy and happy couple.”

Happily ever after: Raven and A’Khi enjoy going to the movies. Raven likes to travel, while A’Khi likes to spend time at home, hang out with friends and play pool with his team.  Raven, a native of Selma, is an aspiring dancer and actress. She teaches dance classes and also works on the staff at Danberry Assisted Living.  A’Khi, a Birmingham native, works for the Birmingham Water Works.

This article originally appeared in The Birmingham Times

Activism

MacArthur Fellow Dorothy Roberts’ Advocates Restructure of Child Welfare System

Roberts’s early work focused on Black women’s reproductive rights and their fight for reproductive justice. In “Killing the Black Body: Race, Reproduction, and the Meaning of Liberty 1997)”, she analyzes historical and contemporary policies and practices that denied agency to Black women and sought to control their childbearing—from forced procreation during slavery, to coercive sterilization and welfare reform—and advocates for an expanded understanding of reproductive freedom.

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Dorothy Roberts. Photo courtesy of the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation.
Dorothy Roberts. Photo courtesy of the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation.

Special to The Post

When grants were announced Oct. 1, it was noted that eight of the 22 MacArthur Fellows were African American. Among the recipients of the so-called ‘genius grants’ are scholars, visual and media artists a poet/writer, historian, and dancer/choreographer who each receive $800,000 over a five-year period to spend as they see fit.

 Their names are Ruha Benjamin, Jericho Brown, Tony Cokes, Jennifer L. Morgan, Ebony G. Patterson, Shamel Pitts, Jason Reynolds, and Dorothy Roberts. This is the eighth and last in the series highlighting the Black awardees. The report below on Dorothy Roberts is excerpted from the MacArthur Fellows web site.

A graduate of Yale University with a law degree from Harvard, Dorothy Roberts is a legal scholar and public policy researcher exposing racial inequities embedded within health and social service systems.

Sine 2012, she has been a professor of Law and Sociology, and on the faculty in the department of Africana Studies at the University of Pennsylvania.

Roberts’s work encompasses reproductive health, bioethics, and child welfare. She sheds light on systemic inequities, amplifies the voices of those directly affected, and boldly calls for wholesale transformation of existing systems.

Roberts’s early work focused on Black women’s reproductive rights and their fight for reproductive justice. In “Killing the Black Body: Race, Reproduction, and the Meaning of Liberty 1997)”, she analyzes historical and contemporary policies and practices that denied agency to Black women and sought to control their childbearing—from forced procreation during slavery, to coercive sterilization and welfare reform—and advocates for an expanded understanding of reproductive freedom.

This work prompted Roberts to examine the treatment of children of color in the U.S. child welfare system.

After nearly two decades of research and advocacy work alongside parents, social workers, family defense lawyers, and organizations, Roberts has concluded that the current child welfare system is in fact a system of family policing with alarmingly unequal practices and outcomes. Her 2001 book, “Shattered Bonds: The Color of Child Welfare,” details the outsized role that race and class play in determining who is subject to state intervention and the results of those interventions.

Through interviews with Chicago mothers who had interacted with Child Protective Services (CPS), Roberts shows that institutions regularly punish the effects of poverty as neglect.

CPS disproportionately investigates Black and Indigenous families, especially if they are low-income, and children from these families are much more likely than white children to be removed from their families after CPS referral.

In “Torn Apart: How the Child Welfare System Destroys Black Families—and How Abolition Can Build a Safer World (2022),” Roberts traces the historical, cultural, and political forces driving the racial and class imbalance in child welfare interventions.

These include stereotypes about Black parents as negligent, devaluation of Black family bonds, and stigmatization of parenting practices that fall outside a narrow set of norms.

She also shows that blaming marginalized individuals for structural problems, while ignoring the historical roots of economic and social inequality, fails families and communities.

Roberts argues that the engrained oppressive features of the current system render it beyond repair. She calls for creating an entirely new approach focused on supporting families rather than punishing them.

Her support for dismantling the current child welfare system is unsettling to some. Still, her provocation inspires many to think more critically about its poor track record and harmful design.

By uncovering the complex forces underlying social systems and institutions, and uplifting the experiences of people caught up in them, Roberts creates opportunities to imagine and build more equitable and responsive ways to ensure child and family safety.

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California Black Media

California Department of Aging Offers Free Resources for Family Caregivers in November

In honor of National Family Caregivers Month this November, the California Department of Aging (CDA) is spotlighting a range of free resources to support caregivers of older adults and individuals with disabilities. Through its extensive network of Caregiver Resource Centers (CRCs) and Area Agencies on Aging (AAAs), the state provides essential tools to help caregivers manage their responsibilities while prioritizing their own health and well-being.

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iStock

By Bo Tefu, California Black Media

In honor of National Family Caregivers Month this November, the California Department of Aging (CDA) is spotlighting a range of free resources to support caregivers of older adults and individuals with disabilities. Through its extensive network of Caregiver Resource Centers (CRCs) and Area Agencies on Aging (AAAs), the state provides essential tools to help caregivers manage their responsibilities while prioritizing their own health and well-being. Resources offered include free education and training, counseling services, respite care, and financial and legal assistance.

“Caregiving is a great act of love, and this month — and every day — we uplift California’s caregivers as the under-recognized backbone of our families and communities,” said Susan DeMarois, director of the CDA. DeMarois emphasized the need for caregivers to access available support to better balance their roles without compromising their own health.

California is home to more than 4.5 million unpaid family caregivers, who contribute an estimated $81 billion annually in economic value through their care. Most caregivers are women who balance work, family, and caregiving responsibilities, often at the cost of their physical and emotional health. Given California’s aging population, the demand for caregiver support is rapidly growing, underscoring the importance of these free resources.

Thousands of caregivers accessed these services in the 2022-2023 fiscal year, benefiting from tools like professional care management and respite support. The Aging in California Resource Guide, available in six languages, offers additional information on caregiver support.

Caregivers can learn more about available resources by visiting the CDA website at aging.ca.gov and connecting with local CRCs or AAAs to discover personalized services to support them in their caregiving journey.

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Community

Advocates: Calif.’s Maternal Health Blueprint Ignores Systemic Racism, Community Solutions

Black mothers in California experience a maternal mortality rate that is three times above the state average. The California Coalition for Black Birth Justice Co-Founder and Executive Director Dana Sherrod said although Black women have higher rates of chronic conditions going into pregnancy, the root cause of their high maternal mortality rate is racism.

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By McKenzie Jackson, California Black Media 

Black mothers in California experience a maternal mortality rate that is three times above the state average.

The California Coalition for Black Birth Justice Co-Founder and Executive Director Dana Sherrod said although Black women have higher rates of chronic conditions going into pregnancy, the root cause of their high maternal mortality rate is racism.

“When all things are equal when we look at protective factors — education level, healthy weight, marital status — they aren’t as protective for Black women,” she explained.

“We see Black women without pre-existing conditions, who have protective factors and are still fairing worse — having worse birthing outcomes, added Sherrod.

To reduce the maternal mortality rate for all women in the state, particularly Black women, California Surgeon General Dr. Diana E. Ramos unveiled the California Maternal Health Blueprint and announced the Strong Start & Beyond movement in September.

The 20-page blueprint serves as a strategic framework for improving reproductive and maternal health by cutting the maternal mortality in the state by 50% by December 2026. The blueprint also calls for reproductive-aged individuals to understand the health risks they could encounter in future pregnancies by completing a questionnaire over the next 25 months.

In her announcement, Ramos highlighted that the best way to ensure a newborn’s health is to ensure the health of the mother.

“By leveraging powerful partnerships and pioneering cutting-edge solutions,” she said, “we can help California mothers, pregnant people, and newborns have a strong start and healthy future.”

Late last month though, Sherrod, and various health advocates and experts — midwives, doulas, physicians, and community organizations — sent a six-page letter to Ramos urging her to delay actions the blueprint recommends due to concerns they have about omissions and oversights in the document.

Sherrod says moving forward with the blueprint as it is may “cause harm” to Black and Indigenous communities.” She says there are shortcomings in the document’s development process, and its analyses blame individuals for health challenges rather than addressing systemic failures.”

“Black women, in particular, have been pushing against these harmful narratives for years, and this feels like a significant step backward,” Sherrod said.

Members of the collective met with Ramos, according to Sherrod, but the surgeon general seemed to be moving forward with the blueprint.

“We are hoping to have an open dialogue to redirect some of the strategies in the blueprint,” Sherrod said.

In an email to California Black Media last week, the Office of the California Surgeon General expressed its commitment to engaging the community to enhance existing programs that support new mothers during the postpartum period.

“The immediate opportunity for the community lies in the fact that over 62% of maternal deaths occur after delivery, when the mom is at home and in the community,” the statement read. “Community resources will be the bridge between the healthcare system and the pregnant person and new moms.”

“The most impactful action in reducing maternal mortality among Black mothers is for local community programs serving Black mothers to cross collaborate with other state and local communities and existing programs to increase awareness of resources for mothers before, during, and after pregnancy,” the office said.

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